My dad. Dead?
I remember,
My friends will always apologise quickly
when i tell them my parent's divorced & we've lost contact.
Because they thought i'd be sad or somehow affected.
But i'm not. I've always brushed it off.
I've never tried to remember him
Like any other child would.
I don't hate him, in fact i've got no feelings towards him.
Emotionless.
I've always thought of my reaction as strange, instead of strong.
It's just not normal i guess.
Morever, i've seen him when im young.
Till i was 2+, he left.
When im older,
It slowly dawned on me that claiming he's dead
will spare me those sympathetic eyes.
I don't need them.
Only my closest friends knows ..
That he might still be alive roaming somewhere in this world.
The reason for this post is this vid.
It jolted my long hidden away memories awake.
Why i'd no feelings towards him,
Why i don't want to / don't see a need to remember him,
He's an Abuser.
I saw everything.
The noise, the scene, the shattering of heart, the sobs. Everything
I remember everything recorded into my 2-3year old brain.
i remember that dark room.
The reason why my mum's shoulder will still ache from time to time.
The culprit.
<Update in 2013>
I actually had a talk w my mum about this and.. she told me that he'd never abused her. He was never that kind of man. He'd vent his anger on furnitures though and that explains the bruise on my mum's shoulders. It was an accident she said.
Why i never talk back to my mum even if i'm not at fault
Why do i not tell her the truth / rather suffer indignity
Why i'll nv look her up if i need someone to talk to (other than friends)
When im old enough to portray my felling through words,
I asked her, "when will we get to see daddy agn?"
She'll say, "when you're 8 years old"
When im 8, i still rmb what she said,
I know it's a question she avoids, but i still asked.
"Ma, i'm 8 alr. Where is daddy?"
"I said when you're 18. not 8"
Then, i threw a tantrum and argued with her that she's said 8, not 18!
This dint go on for v long.
She left the room. & i saw her tears for the v first time.
Well, at least now that i have this post.
I won't forget alr.
Even if he come back in future,
I wont forgive him.
How do one forgive a stranger?
p.s. im not emo. No need console me or wadever. Just that i sudn rmb this & feel that there is a need to type it out or tell someone. Like some psychological treatment. Im freed from the tattoo he's scarred me with. im now 18. I dont see a need to hide from these memories anymore. Im happy, im alright. The one who should be ashamed is him. I've got nothing to hide. Cheers (:
p.s.s. If you're one of those i'd lied to that my dad's dead. Im sorry ;x
No comments:
Post a Comment